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Stage 1 - The Plan Appropriate clothing - Thinking about the type of clothing your going to wear when going shopping may not be something you would normally consider, but it’s important. This isn’t about making sure you look good it’s about practicality. What you need to consider is that most of the shops in shopping centres are staffed by near anorexic teenage girls who constantly walk a knife edge in the avoidance of hypothermia due to their lack of body fat. This leads to them turning up the heating to a level which cause the skin of normal mortals to bubble and peel within a radius of 20 yards of the shop. The shop assistants appear to protect themselves from this peril via the use of excessive amounts of fake tan. This phenomena is most pronounced in women’s clothes shops, presumably due to a higher concentration of teenage girls who disappear when viewed from the side, working in them. However, if you’re not going to need to go into any women’s clothes shops (i.e. you’re shopping on your own), don’t think that this step is not required. The volume of women’s clothes in any one shopping centre is great enough that the heat which leaks from each of them, when combined, increases the ambient temperature of the entire centre to around 15 degrees above those in the central Sahara at midday. When choosing attire for shopping, think light and airy. A pair of Speedos and some flip flops would be ideal, however if this is not practical then maybe a thin t-shirt with light jeans or trousers will suffice. The next stage of the plan is, wherever possible, to decide exactly what you want before you go. The internet is your best friend here. If you’re after shoes for example, check out as many shoe shops online as possible. Get a definite idea of the style your after. This means that when you get to the centre you can assess whether the shop carries something like what you’re after, and if not get the hell out before the sales staff realise that you are there and blind you with their cheap aftershave. Many shopping centres now have websites with the layout and a list of stores, if so you can also check out the individual sites of the stores to see which carry the product(s) you are after, and then plan the optimum route through the centre without having to set foot out of your house. You’re now kitted up and confident of what you need, it’s time to head for the shopping centre. Arrival and the Double Espresso - Beat the center designers When you arrive at the centre, if you haven’t done so online, look at the map by the entrance. Even if you have looked at it on the internet, checking it out again may not be a bad idea. The map is your key and saviour to getting out of the shopping centre alive. Many a good man has been lost forever by not looking at the map. Those old bearded guys that you see wandering around aimlessly with vacant, haunted looks on their faces who you assume are the local nutter, were once just like you. They just didn’t read the map and as a result have been there for years. Columbus, Hannibal and Bilbo Baggins couldn’t have done what they did without a map and neither can you, memorise it well. I should point out that there’s no need to swallow the map afterwards, this is not a secret mission and the security of the country is not at risk if it falls into enemy hands. When you enter the shopping centre, your natural instinct will be to head into the shops as quickly as possible. Fight it. There’s something you need to do first which, although it may seem like an unnecessary delay in completing the act, will shred your total coverage time immensely. Instead of shopping straight away, head first to the food court. More specifically, head to a coffee shop. Once there, order the largest measure of espresso they offer, in fact screw it, order two. Caffeine is your saviour. It will have you flying around the shops and sharpen your instinct. A less obvious benefit is that the slight wide-eyed and wired look it will give you will fend off the scavenging sales assistants for a while. It won’t keep them at bay forever, but it will provide a window of opportunity. I think that shopping centres are designed by the same people as casinos. They’re made to keep you in there as long as possible so that you spend more money. Espresso will save your time and your wallet. Shopping - The Act Itself Feeling the caffeine buzz yet? Ok you’re good to go! Follow the route you planned to the letter, detours and deviations are dangerous and could lead you to become the bearded crazy man described early. If in the unfortunate event you do find yourself lost, don’t panic, just look for another map. When dealing with shop sales staff, there’s one unfailing phrase you need to memorise “I’m fine thank you” If you see one of these miserable creatures approaching you, it’s best to wield the sentence before they even open their mouth. For added effect and maximum insult impact, you can time it to unleash the phrase just after their sickening “Hello” or “Good Morning” If you try this though, you’re at risk of letting them get too many words in if you get a fast talker, and then you’re n trouble. This strategy should only really be used by the seasoned pro, so if you’re not confident, stick to hitting them with it before they’ve had a chance to speak. The Break - Laugh at the rare people If you have a number of things to buy and half way through you find yourself getting stressed, it’s time to take a break, it’s time to laugh at the rare people. Again, this may seem like an unnecessary delay, but in the end your well being is more important. This is also the most enjoyable part of shopping. It’s a little known form of entertainment which will make you wonder why you don’t come to shopping centres more often. So here’s what you do. Find one of those bench seats they have dotted around the centres and sit down. If you find that all the spaces are taken by roosting pensioners, pull out your mobile phone and make a mock phone call to your granny informing her that a shop is giving away free medication. You’ll have stretching room before you know it. Take a pew and people watch. They’re all there, the skanky greasy family with the grey complexion who all look far too similar, the crazy woman who walks along twitching and talking to herself, the screaming mother with her spoilt child who’s screaming even louder. Sit down and enjoy. You’d pay good money to see these people in a circus, and here you are getting it for free. Once you’ve had a chuckle and your heart rate has dipped a little, you can finish off your shop. If things start to get stressful again just think back to the freaks you saw and you won’t be able to help but smile. Before you know it, you’ll be done and ready to leave. Beer - After all you’ve deserved it Once you’ve finished your shopping, if the centre has a bar or a restaurant which serves alcohol, go there. If not, head for the nearest pub. Sit down, chill out, and have a beer. You’ve earned it. It’s your reward. This will also counteract any remaining effects from the high levels of caffeine ingested previously. This will also help train your body to make a positive beer-shopping association. The next time you go shopping, your mind won’t be so repulsed by the idea if it knows it means alcohol is on the way! …And that’s all there is to it. You can now enjoy shopping the way you should. I’m still working on a strategy to deal with the stupid people who stop in front of you for no apparent reason. As soon as it’s formulated, I’ll let you know. Article Source: http://www.articlewheel.com
CREDITS: This article was written by Wayne Saggers and was first published on www.waynesaggers.com on 18/09/2006 The article may be freely re-published in its existing form, provided it remains accompanied by this credits section. The article remains the property of Wayne Saggers, who is the copyright holder. Changes and additions can only be made with the written consent of the author who can be contacted via www.waynesaggers.com
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